The Boys' Secret File Draw (and what's in it)
by Mika Kino
Summary: Ever wondered about the previous offenses of the twins? Here rests a report painstakingly put together by Argus Filch (sp?) of their entire -ahem- acidemic hinderences.(sp? again) Really, NOW THIS IS UPDATED! Actually, it's only part of Chapter 3.
1. The Title Report

The Weasly Files  
  
Disclaimer: I band of rabid Kong fu artist bearing swords of doom stole everything I could possibly own, including my brain --which wasn't much. So hence, I own nothing and nobody, so don't even start.  
  
a/n: Way based on Artemis Fowl, but I couldn't help myself. (just the intro people.) Actually, I posted this fic late at night cause I was desperate to get it on-line. I just peeked at it in the morning, and I had six reviews! *gak* Pepole actually read things I write! But honestly, who dosen't think the intro to Eoin Colfer's masterpeice desribes Fred and George perfectly?^^ And unlike my other Harry Potter fic, that I did in partnership with Anna Sharp, it has an actual plot! *gasp*. I honestly hate fics. with no plots, and no paragraphs. But keep in mind, this is just the intro, not the story. I'll have that posted soon.(don't spaz.)  
  
File no. 1  
  
How does one describe 'the twins'? Various psychiatrists of high wizard standards have tried, and failed. The main problems are the Weaslys' own intelligence. They bamboozle every test thrown at them. They have puzzled the greatest magical minds and sent them gibbering to their own hospitals.  
  
There is no doubt that the Weaslys' are child prodigies. But why do two men of such brilliance dedicate themselves to criminal activities? This is a question that only two people can answer, and they delight in not talking.  
  
Perhaps the best way to create an accurate picture of Fred and George is to tell the by now famous account of their villainous ventures. I have put together this report from firsthand interviews with the victims, and as the tale unfolds, you will realize that this was not easy.  
  
Our first chapter begins when our boys made a faint, innocent contact to the muggle world. For this, they threatened the bankruptcy of Gringotts, the possibility of demolishing of the world's finest Wizarding School, and leaving several of the young and feeble of heart forever petrified of rodents.  
  
They were elven years old at the time.  
  
-Argus Filch 


	2. Problems on the Eve

The First Offense:  
  
a/n: When this starts getting good, and you find a tantalizing smile growing on your face, (this is clinically proven to do so..) I recommend you hum the song from the Ritz bitz commercial (the one where the little crackers go to the moon.) It adds to the fun, honestly.  
  
When I first started writing this, I wanted to give an effect and see a side of the Weasley's that we, as avid Harry Potter readers, haven't seen before, sorta as a challenge to myself. I believe there was some traumatic event in their lives that caused them to go haywire, a Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde deal. That's what Chapter one is about mostly, and I wanted to see if I could pull it off. Think, two little eleven year olds, who's worst ordeal is eating a bad bertie bott, become the masterminds and second marauders of Hogwarts History. Please R an' R and tell me how I did. I hope the ending is not expected, but might bring up a new theory....  
  
I know the poem was lame, actually, this chapter isn't the what I was expecting it to turn out to be. I think when I get more time I go in and fix it. Again, this is the result of me in a rush, so please keep reading and checking, my goal is to update this three times a week. Just send me reviews of support, and I'll probably manage.  
  
Ack! I posted this on ff.net, and then I realized that I hadn't used spell check! Sure enough, I checked and I had more spelling errors than any given second grader. sigh so I pasted it to my word pad, then I remembered that Word-pad didn't have spell-check. (or, at least my doesn't) and finally I fixed it up and spiced it up a bit. Still, this chapter was definitely is not as fun as I hoped it would be. I think I'm building up on that though. But with my luck, I'm gonna build up on the humor so much, whatever you read isn't gonna be funny! Please, stick with this fic, I'm gonna work harder on the next chapter. But I'll give you readers/authors a BIG hint, it evolves things that multiply ......quickly...  
  
Also, here's the part where I take care of all the kind people who reviewed my Fic. Thanks Geko, I really don't know what to say. To Lady Feylene, here's more! Thanks to Katara, I wasn't sure if the AF intro fit, I forget to give it credit, and when I realized that I had neglected Eion Colfer, I went crazy on myself! sorry! To Jameson and The Childlike Empress, here's more!Thank you for your compliment Tesa, it was very welcome. Anna, I fixed my spelling errors in Chapter 2, we'll see about chapter one. No, I'm not gonna change it to spiders, what I have in mind is more fun. To Dragon in the Stars, I hope this kicks too! And to Lil Loki Puck, I had no idea that Filch sounded so much Filch till I read your review, but I felt that I kinda strayed in this chapter..... To Babyangel, here's more again! Aurielo, you took the idea from my brain. I was planing on doing continuing through their ideas, but I have to stay focused with the first chapter. sorry I hate to break it you, but I'm not a very dedicated writer, even through this is the shortest fic I've probably written as a chapter edtion thing. I'm hoping this one will break my bad habit though....CHEER ME ON PEOPLE! **hugs Fred and George dolls and giggles**  
  
  
  
Fred shivered under his robes, and tucked his sweaty and scarlet palms into his frayed robe sleeves. Embarrassment didn't even begin to describe the disturbing feelings in his stomach, sorta like the time when he and George split that boogie flavored bean. He gagged softly to himself, his innocent eyes soaking up the scenery unfolded around him.  
  
The witches and wizards in training, their bottoms comfortably seated into the cushioned chairs of their house tables, peered at them, like reapers from underneath their hoods, casting glances behind their intricately decorated goblets. Several adults, obviously professors, were seated at a large table at the end of the great chamber, to Fred, all nameless, except for an elderly chap with eyes a twinkle who he made to be Professor Dumbledore, the Headmaster. The minute red head calculated upon entering, that the Burrow could easily fit among the dining hall four times over, but such a theory was easily backed when he stood in the smack dab center of the room, and after a brief pause allowing the other students to toddle into a semicircle before a a flight of the four steps, they were subjected to the droning of a stern faced elderly Professor who sounded somewhat like the grownups from the Charlie Brown movies. (wap wap wap! blah blah blah!) But how he did try to listen to her, for her speech sounded so official.  
  
George meekly glanced at the floating candles, plus adding the enchanted ceiling (slightly cloudy with a full moon, this particular night.) to his mental list of excellent things. The floating of the candles, not only cast a lavish and exotic effect upon the faces of the wizards and witches in the great room, but also light, which, in most cases gave accented their faces with encouragement, with the exception of a one or two professors, a and a man, who leaned against the stone wall, tossing stares like daggers into George's ink green eyes. He tapped his scratched Reeboks bashfully against the ceramic tile floor, and tried his best to blend in and hide away from the pair of livid, almost mocking eyes. Preening his stained collar lightly, he pretended to become immensely amazed by the with the dazzling candles, concentrating his face upon their warmth.  
  
It was Fred who gently elbowed him, alerting him to his senses.  
  
Placed upon a mahogany stool, in their faces, was a beautiful, enchanted wizard's hat. The black velvet which covered the stiff frame was accented in a ocean shade of blue by the candlelight. That hat was much finer than anything the Weasleys' had managed to get their hands on......  
  
Then, as if pinched by some fat aunt, the wrinkles slithered across the velvet surface of the cap, forming what could roughly be made out as sleepy, dignified eyes, and lip-less mouth. It twisted without a crinkle as it eyed the preteens' brows it would rest upon, then with the speed of a fat aristocrat, cocked it's practical face to the seated audience, then began to sing...  
  
I am the finest hat around  
  
And I doubt you will to differ  
  
Each year I may seem stiffer  
  
Yet I am still the greatest to be found  
  
No cap knows these castle houses like I  
  
And I do know where you go  
  
I hate to keep you in suspense, so....  
  
With no more rolling the die  
  
I give you first Slytheran, the most malevolent of all  
  
For he was a cunning man, always walking with his head tall  
  
The kindly Ravenclaw came next, wise beyond her many a year  
  
To those who enjoy watching Jeopardy, this is where you'll steer  
  
To follow-up would be Hufflepuff, while the name is a tongue-twister still  
  
While she would never ever procrastinate, and possessed a very strong will  
  
Lastly there was Gryffindor, the bravest by certainly far  
  
This gentleman's chivalry was easily beyond par  
  
From the founders, comes one house each  
  
One and only one  
  
'How do I know where I go?' you say  
  
I'll show you how it's done!  
  
Just plop me on your head, I please ask  
  
There's nothing I can skip  
  
And I very seldom nip  
  
I'll find out who you be, 'tis anyway my task!  
  
  
  
  
  
Immediately after the burst of applause and hooting, the same woman bellowed out names from a list of yellow parchment in her thick English accent, and each eleven year old stiffly walked up the steps laid before them (carpeted too!) and the hat would be plucked from the stool and dropped upon the future pupils cranium.  
  
Suffice to say, of the two charming twins, poor Fred was requested first. Nervously, he attempted to tuck his hand-me-down wand into his sagging sleeve, when the hardly polished surface flipped between his fingers and rolled beneath his short robes.  
  
He made his recovery quick, aside from the snide whispers among the crowd, and George placing his head in his hands, secretly mouthing 'that idiot'. Unfortunately, Fred made a mistake, the teeniest mistake, that would come to haunt him from the next hour, but it would terrorize the Hogwart's superiors for the rest of their now damned lives.  
  
Fred mumbled something under his breath.  
  
"I beg your pardon Mr. Weasley!' The woman spoke, practically through her nose.  
  
"Oh, nothing ma'am," the boy replied sheepishly, in a most subdued tone."  
  
She probably would have bought that, after all, he was such a sweet boy, and with Percy, Bill, and Charlie as older brothers, he and his twin were sure to take after them. But so was not this 'poor boy's' fate.  
  
Suddenly (or more ironically), the precious floating candles fell, but in a feeble attempt at defense, I'll say 'they dipped, low.' As the massive and lavish chamber was reeking with silence before (okay, perhaps an occasional whisper), a flurry of screams gave even the ghosts a little jump from their chairs, as the lights went out and melted wax caked the mashed potatoes and peas and such else. (and parsley on the side.)  
  
Perhaps that was coincidental, perhaps. Nobody would have noticed that vanilla pudding was decorating their formal robes, maybe if that fire wasn't burning on the stool.  
  
And there, the magnificent hat, the widely known sorting hat, that hat that sang and rhymed and could get into you head.....  
  
.........was aflame.  
  
(dum dum dum!) 


	3. The Birth of True Revenge (still on that...

Continuing the First Offense:  
  
It was a sunny and blissful day. Birds were singing, grasshoppers chirping, beavers were chewing somewhere in the world..... but realistically, this was more what George wished. To paint an accurate picture, it was a dark and stormy night, something like the inside of a washing machine that's running during a power outage. It was just one of those nights outside, the adorable redhead decided, as he stared out the slowly fogging window of the Leaky Cauldron.  
  
He sighed, placing both elbows on the stained, wooden table with a thump, and cupped his hands so his faintly jutting chin fit nicely into his palms. The laughter around him would have bothered him, had he not changed.  
  
That's right. George had changed. It was an inexplicable thing. He wasn't petty anymore, though he had never thought of himself like that until recently. He laughed at crude jokes, which was quite an odd feeling. He was beginning to do bad things, things like not pinning his socks together when he washed them, and... and he wasn't studying for school. And, it was like Fred was going through the same ordeal.  
  
Speaking of Fred, he was having a dandy old time. He hands were wringing themselves till they were pink as he stared at the old oak door. His bright green eyes were terribly bloodshot, which made them look something like a Christmas decoration. 


End file.
